The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him., They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. Ugh! the student groaned. You couldn't hit water if you fell out of a boat. But in honour of Saint Patrick, I thought Id buy you a sham-rock.Anonymous, My wifes clinic called my home number to tell me that they couldnt accept 911 as her emergency contact. Want to turn someones frown upside down? What other woman? Adam shot back. The next day, Norm went to see his doctor to have his bruised eye examined. 4 / 20. So I had to put my foot down. Why would you post that sign? Before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him.Submitted by L.B. A: One, but he waits until the last minute to cram it in. A car hit an elderly man. I remember the day I earned my first dollar, he said. Im in your driveway., 47. She was so ugly she could trick or treat over the telephone. All rights reserved. Hope that helped raise your smartass quota for the week. The good stuff includes deep conversations, fun times together, laughter, and play. How old are you? Thirty-six.Submitted by Melissa Steginus, The other day I was thinking, I must be the most unobservant person in the world. Then I thought, Well, maybe other people are equally unobservant and I just havent noticed before.Submitted by D. Norris, I love that TV show with all the different video clips of things going disastrously wrong. That is wrong on so many different levels. Tim Vine, A cement mixer collided with a prison van. Dont miss these hilarious real life prank stories! No! yells the woman, slamming the door in his face. Lord, he prays. 72. Now, congratulate yourself by all means but do it silently. Ill call you back when youre alone. Jim Pietsch in The New York City Cab Drivers Joke Book, If I pay $40 for a haunted house I better die. @hodgesboi15, Have children while your parents are young enough to take care of them. Rita Rudner, A mom texts, Hi! Laugh more: Corny jokes for kids You cross my mind only on Thursday morning. We may not have grown up to bend it like Beckham, but we did have fun playing this game of fancy footwork, stamina, and collaboration. Boy, it sure is creepy out here, says the first outlaw. I cant stand this. After my husband injured himself, I ran him over to the doctors office. ", "Studies show that women who carry extra weight live longer than men who bring it up.". 150 Funny Adult Jokes - Hilarious Humor for Adults in 2023 - MemesBams They have seemingly never tried to keep a dozen people quiet while planning a surprise party. Jennifer Wright, author, I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner. I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. We dont serve your type! shouts the barman. We can hold ourselves accountable with self-compassion, and our partners can let us know about their hurt while remembering that we are imperfect and lovable. For more groan-worthy humour, find out what would happen if the person who named walkie-talkies named everything. And what was that? Its just as I thoughtyou dont know.Submitted by Gene Newman. 50 of Milton Joness most ingenious jokes and one-liners Because he broke all the records. Alexandra Solomon, Ph.D., is an assistant clinical professor in Northwestern Universitys Master of Science in Marriage and Family Therapy program. Keep these funny holiday jokes in mind for your next party! Im having a heart attack, cries the woman. Submitted by Craig Sharf, The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize youre not in shape for it, its too far to walk back. Good Comebacks, Roasts, & Burns: Best 99+ You Need To Know - Humoropedia ._1EPynDYoibfs7nDggdH7Gq{margin-bottom:8px;position:relative}._1EPynDYoibfs7nDggdH7Gq._3-0c12FCnHoLz34dQVveax{max-height:63px;overflow:hidden}._1zPvgKHteTOub9dKkvrOl4{font-family:Noto Sans,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;line-height:21px;font-weight:400;word-wrap:break-word}._1dp4_svQVkkuV143AIEKsf{-ms-flex-align:baseline;align-items:baseline;background-color:var(--newCommunityTheme-body);bottom:-2px;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-ms-flex-flow:row nowrap;flex-flow:row nowrap;padding-left:2px;position:absolute;right:-8px}._5VBcBVybCfosCzMJlXzC3{font-family:Noto Sans,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:400;line-height:21px;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-bodyText)}._3YNtuKT-Is6XUBvdluRTyI{position:relative;background-color:0;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-metaText);fill:var(--newCommunityTheme-metaText);border:0;padding:0 8px}._3YNtuKT-Is6XUBvdluRTyI:before{content:"";position:absolute;top:0;left:0;width:100%;height:100%;border-radius:9999px;background:var(--newCommunityTheme-metaText);opacity:0}._3YNtuKT-Is6XUBvdluRTyI:hover:before{opacity:.08}._3YNtuKT-Is6XUBvdluRTyI:focus{outline:none}._3YNtuKT-Is6XUBvdluRTyI:focus:before{opacity:.16}._3YNtuKT-Is6XUBvdluRTyI._2Z_0gYdq8Wr3FulRLZXC3e:before,._3YNtuKT-Is6XUBvdluRTyI:active:before{opacity:.24}._3YNtuKT-Is6XUBvdluRTyI:disabled,._3YNtuKT-Is6XUBvdluRTyI[data-disabled],._3YNtuKT-Is6XUBvdluRTyI[disabled]{cursor:not-allowed;filter:grayscale(1);background:none;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-metaTextAlpha50);fill:var(--newCommunityTheme-metaTextAlpha50)}._2ZTVnRPqdyKo1dA7Q7i4EL{transition:all .1s linear 0s}.k51Bu_pyEfHQF6AAhaKfS{transition:none}._2qi_L6gKnhyJ0ZxPmwbDFK{transition:all .1s linear 0s;display:block;background-color:var(--newCommunityTheme-field);border-radius:4px;padding:8px;margin-bottom:12px;margin-top:8px;border:1px solid var(--newCommunityTheme-canvas);cursor:pointer}._2qi_L6gKnhyJ0ZxPmwbDFK:focus{outline:none}._2qi_L6gKnhyJ0ZxPmwbDFK:hover{border:1px solid var(--newCommunityTheme-button)}._2qi_L6gKnhyJ0ZxPmwbDFK._3GG6tRGPPJiejLqt2AZfh4{transition:none;border:1px solid var(--newCommunityTheme-button)}.IzSmZckfdQu5YP9qCsdWO{cursor:pointer;transition:all .1s linear 0s}.IzSmZckfdQu5YP9qCsdWO ._1EPynDYoibfs7nDggdH7Gq{border:1px solid transparent;border-radius:4px;transition:all .1s linear 0s}.IzSmZckfdQu5YP9qCsdWO:hover ._1EPynDYoibfs7nDggdH7Gq{border:1px solid var(--newCommunityTheme-button);padding:4px}._1YvJWALkJ8iKZxUU53TeNO{font-size:12px;font-weight:700;line-height:16px;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-button)}._3adDzm8E3q64yWtEcs5XU7{display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex}._3adDzm8E3q64yWtEcs5XU7 ._3jyKpErOrdUDMh0RFq5V6f{-ms-flex:100%;flex:100%}._3adDzm8E3q64yWtEcs5XU7 .dqhlvajEe-qyxij0jNsi0{color:var(--newCommunityTheme-button)}._3adDzm8E3q64yWtEcs5XU7 ._12nHw-MGuz_r1dQx5YPM2v,._3adDzm8E3q64yWtEcs5XU7 .dqhlvajEe-qyxij0jNsi0{font-size:12px;font-weight:700;line-height:16px;cursor:pointer;-ms-flex-item-align:end;align-self:flex-end;-webkit-user-select:none;-ms-user-select:none;user-select:none}._3adDzm8E3q64yWtEcs5XU7 ._12nHw-MGuz_r1dQx5YPM2v{color:var(--newCommunityTheme-button);margin-right:8px;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-errorText)}._3zTJ9t4vNwm1NrIaZ35NS6{font-family:Noto Sans,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;line-height:21px;font-weight:400;word-wrap:break-word;width:100%;padding:0;border:none;background-color:transparent;resize:none;outline:none;cursor:pointer;color:var(--newRedditTheme-bodyText)}._2JIiUcAdp9rIhjEbIjcuQ-{resize:none;cursor:auto}._2I2LpaEhGCzQ9inJMwliNO,._42Nh7O6pFcqnA6OZd3bOK{display:inline-block;margin-left:4px;vertical-align:middle}._42Nh7O6pFcqnA6OZd3bOK{fill:var(--newCommunityTheme-button);color:var(--newCommunityTheme-button);height:16px;width:16px;margin-bottom:2px} Good Comebacks 1. Submitted by Janet Winkler, A businessman flying first class is sitting next to a parrot. Theres just one condition. Of course, those who arent in the direct line of insult will no doubt find it hilarious! Tempting fate, I tried it on. Ive spent the week with seven beautiful women. Do not fret, my son, says the priest. The difference between "Ooooooh" and "Aaaaaah" is about three inches. In reference to someone's accuracy with a gun. Whenever we'd start talking and she didn't want to hear it she would sing, "Oh the monkey wrapped his tail around the flag pole, to wipe his butt hole, and see the world!!". That evening, he decides to go out. Its not a gong. Wow, thats incredible, the doctor says. I want to achieve it by not dying. Woody Allen, The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours. I never knew my real ladder. Submitted by Isaac Sargent, I was staying in a hotel where the towels were so thick that I could hardly close my suitcase. Two weeks later, I got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seatbelt. He found himself on a desolate country road and finally ran into a farmer. That night I went to a church meeting and the speaker told us about his humanitarian work. If you liked that joke, youll get a kick out of these hilarious thesaurus mistakes. 101 Short Jokes Anyone Can Remember | Reader's Digest I also drink a case of whisky a week, eat fatty foods and never exercise. Thats amazing, the woman said. Press J to jump to the feed. A: Get off the carousel. "Dad comes to his son and tells him he's adopted. There, on the front cover, was a red circle around my misspelled name. 30 of the best-ever jokes about Scotland from Scotland, 64 of the funniest Seinfeld quotes to sum up everyday life 100 of the best clean jokes and one-liners Whats your last wish? Well, Ive always wanted to donate a kidney.Submitted by Robert L. Jaffee, Growing up with a curious younger brother and a sharp-eared dad led to some memorable conversations as a teenager. Check out thesefunny political quotes you cant help but laugh at. For days he kept leaving little messages around the house. 17. Youre not trying to get a laugh in most cases, youre trying to insult. I figured that my picture had been taken for speeding, even though I knew I wasnt. I told my friend 10 jokes to get him to laugh. Could I have a few words with George?Submitted by David Miteff, An investment banker decides she needs in-house counsel, so she interviews a young lawyer. These hilarious jokes about marriagewill crack you up. I dressed up my dog as a mailman for Halloween. You could break a ball bearing with a rubber mallet. It was a long, dramatic, drawn-out way of telling us to shut-up. Submitted by Chuck Welch, Proudly showing off his new apartment to a friend late one night, the young man led the way to his bedroom, where there was a big brass gong. When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper "You did this.". Exaggerations went up by a million percent last year. Looking at the car, he was astounded to see that the elderly woman behind the wheel was knitting. Still, Id like you to mail me the results., A few days later, he received a postcard from the doctors office. She looks great! 25 of Spike Milligans greatest gags Im 49.95. When my nine-year-old son, Simon, saw the T-shirt, he asked, Yes, but how much with tax? Submitted by Gilles St-Laurent. Submitted by Kerry Hagan, Q: Where do loose tea leaves go to rest while theyre camping? Whats wrong?, The head monk with tears in his eyes replies, The word is celebrate!, Two guys were out walking their dogs on a hot daywhen they pass by a bar. No, he responded. These smartlight bulb jokes are truly illuminating. Sometimes life leads you astray with no one to turn to. Couldn't hit sand if he fell off a camel. She couldnt control her pupils. She poured some milk into the saucer and Jim did likewise. They always take things literally. What did the policeman say to his hungry stomach? They left a little note, it said Parking Fine. Tim Vine. Trying to dampen his out look, the psychiatrist took him to a room piled to the ceiling with horse manure. Honey, whats for supper?. Thats my twin sister. It says, Do not feed. I think my friend is dead! he yells. on Instagram: "' Jenna and Bill are finishing up a dinner date. Since Margaret was gone several minutes, she felt the need to explain her absence to me: My friend and I arent able to spend much time together anymore because she is more decapitated than I am. Submitted by Vicki Alum, At a job review, my boss told me this year the company would compensate for inflation but that additional raises would be considered on a case-by-case basis. New comments cannot be posted and votes cannot be cast. Next time you're at a loss for words, try out one of these one-liners andwatch your popularity soar!*. You didnt look to your right, yelled the frightened inspector. 102 Chuck Norris Jokes to Celebrate the Ultimate Badass - Men's Health A dog is a bitch, dogs bark. You wont believe these hilarious job ads actually ran! 16. I had spent some time looking for a sandwich on the grass, when a golfer asked me if someone had lost a sand wedge. 39 of the greatest Brass Eye and Day Today quotes Id like to start with the chimney jokes Ive got a stack of them. Last New Years Eve, I finished work and raced to catch the bus, but by 12:10 it still hadnt come, so I figured Id likely missed it. 20 of Malcolm Tuckers most cutting insults I steal food from humans. The air is so fresh it smells like flowers. Stop! cries the second cockroach. Its from Uncle Ben. I found them. As a scarecrow, people say Im outstanding in my field. Ill grant you three wishes, the genie says. Dont miss this roundup of the Canadian comedians to watch out forand their best jokes. What are you doing? Counting your ribs.Submitted by William Halliday. Tact is the ability to tell someone to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip. Winston Churchill, 36. You couldn't hit a lake if you were standing at the bottom. I can only please one person a day. ", "Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. 3. His mother took up the cause and within minutes found the lens. He seems fine now, says the vet. 105 pun-based jokes that will make you laugh - and cringe Im not insulting you, Im describing you., 39. These funny work cartoonswere made for sharing at the office. /*# sourceMappingURL=https://www.redditstatic.com/desktop2x/chunkCSS/IdCard.ea0ac1df4e6491a16d39_.css.map*/._2JU2WQDzn5pAlpxqChbxr7{height:16px;margin-right:8px;width:16px}._3E45je-29yDjfFqFcLCXyH{margin-top:16px}._13YtS_rCnVZG1ns2xaCalg{font-family:Noto Sans,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:400;line-height:18px;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex}._1m5fPZN4q3vKVg9SgU43u2{margin-top:12px}._17A-IdW3j1_fI_pN-8tMV-{display:inline-block;margin-bottom:8px;margin-right:5px}._5MIPBF8A9vXwwXFumpGqY{border-radius:20px;font-size:12px;font-weight:500;letter-spacing:0;line-height:16px;padding:3px 10px;text-transform:none}._5MIPBF8A9vXwwXFumpGqY:focus{outline:unset} He tells the priest that on Friday night, hed been in the bar when he met a young woman. I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. "A man is at the funeral of an old friend. When she put the saucer on the floor, he was surprised. He got out three times to go to the bathroom., When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.Henry Youngman, A guy goes ice fishing for the very first time. When a daydreaming taxi driver accidentally drove past his destination, his passenger gently tapped him on the shoulder from the back seat. Well, if they liked having one of you, they must be even happier now. Actually, she replied, the manager was telling my sister that she was such a good worker that he wished he could clone her.