I just want to highlight this since some commenters are piling on about the husband being some kind of chauvinist keeping women down. You and a therapist will be able to figure that out and take next steps. This isnt about Las Vegas or about you or even about your jobits that he wants to control you, and any threat to his perception that he doesnt have complete control over you is going to end in a tantrum. I thought it was supposed to be would NEVER let their significant others go. Its the kind of autocorrect my phone makes; even/never. On the one hand, youd have to be very clear that hed be on his own while youre in all those meetings/conferences/etc and that you cant spend that time with him but, on the other hand, it may be worthwhile to relieve his stress and anxiety. Honestly, it feels awful. sienna plantation inventory homes; masters in international law and diplomacy; is daffodil water poisonous; In fact, Ive been on more trips without my partner than I have with him! Thank you so much for your response! Yeah, I was in Vegas just a couple of weeks ago. At least, not something like this, which is a very normal part of having a job. (FWIW Im married and work FT and during tax season Ive come home at 10-12 PM. 5. Time to treat him like a tantruming toddler. A Crappy Vacation Told Me My Marriage Was Really Over - Scary Mommy Hello thanks for the comment but I do work I manage over 400 rental properties and Im a professional gardener for a estate. Absolutely. I wonder if one solution wouldnt just be to bring her husband WITH her (on her own expense and probably paying for their own room)? Shopping! If you can get that sort of perspective before the trip, that would be great. Especially your point about this not being an issue of sides.. If his anxiety is more travel related than trust related, there may besome reasonable actions you can take together to smooth them out. My husband nearly had to go to Vegas for a conference a couple of months ago (were in the UK so its pretty far!) Hes worrying that someone might hurt her, too. I dont gamble much. I have to remind myself of that sometimes; I think you should remind yourself that too. Where is he staying. Right on the top!! BTW- my husband didnt blink an eye when I told him I was going to Vegas for a whole week with a male co-worker. This is CONTROLLING and MANIPULATIVE behaviour. Both of us have traveled the world for pleasure and business in the 15 years. It also couldnt be. You need a pro to help you guys sort out this tangle and see where to go from here in a way that doesnt actively sabotage your career because of his irrational behavior. There are a lot of factors that go into deciding where to hold tradeshows and conferences, and none of them have to do with facilitating people being unfaithful to their spouses. What if you could guarantee there wouldnt be any impact on your career either way, and your husband didnt have an opinion either way? The second I walked in the front door I thought this is exactly the type of place where the murder of the week happens in almost every episode. The update is saying the opposite of what you think it does. Be direct, and even brutally honest: Im not having this conversation (& hang up); Im not doing this again (& walk away); Im not changing my mind; Im not negotiating Im giving you the facts Basically, lots of Im not/I cant/I wont statements that are all about you and your limits. What the hell kind of business is even done in Vegas! Maybe you call once a day in the evening to say hi, but otherwise tell him youre not going to be responding to messages, because youre busy with work. Jealous? In a vacation environment totally devoid of any stress, I couldn't stand to be in my husband's company. My Husband Didn't Want Me to Go on Vacation With His Family Out of curiosity do you know what the statistics in your area for domestic violence? The letter writer husband is waving some pretty sizable red flags. My husband and I sat way in the back and giggled through the whole show. I think Alison handled it extremely well answering the direct AAM-style question (go on the trip for business reasons) while noting the disturbing indicators about marriage that require that kind of outside advice. And absolutely do not let his anxiety limit your life. (The sales guy told her, its just like any other dance show, but at half the price and without the headdress! I recognized the name and tried to talk her out of it, but she believed the sales guy over me.) But she did not mention that she had her picture taken with male strippers that she would never told me if hadnt found them. I have a 3 yr old, almost 2 yr old, and 2 month old. Being with a partner whose anxieties and irrational fears are put on your shoulders is not healthy, and thank god I recognized it when I did! But it could be so many other things as well. My associatons annual conference rotates between about six places, and even in big cities like Chicago and Philly we need to use three nearby hotels to have enough meeting rooms and hotel rooms. Ive pretty much given up on trips for fun. And Im not talking rooms in crappy parts of town. Right? This is very aptly put Anonymous Poster. Its like Captain Awkward says no matter why youre standing on my foot, you need to stop standing on my foot. I find this so interesting. Whats more surprising is that youre the main provider. The timelines even fit perfectly. Youre adults. Obviously you were in horrific fiery car crash. Im reminded of when my flying phobia was at its worst, and I was going to take a flight on Friday the 13th. THANK you. Him: I ignored it. It doesnt mean you dont love him, and it doesnt mean either of you are bad people. If this resonates with you, OP, about your husbands behavior, something important to know is that there is no appeasing this line of thinking. Her husband is a lovely person in general, but comes from a family that cares very much about keeping up appearances. Yeah, Vegas is like Disneyland now. husband doesn t want to go on family vacation. Then we went to Hoover Dam on a tour. Or is it just that hes an anxious person in general? At the end of the day, the big problem with his indifference is the burden it puts on you to be the functioning adult in the relationship. Yeah, Im wondering who would even give this sort of advice. Hell figure something out; youll figure something out. My SO and I ate there in 2013, and he STILL sighs and says, That was a good burger, whenever Las Vegas is mentioned. But Im not lazy I just love my wife and after 8 yrs of marriage Im worried shes bored with me. They can also get into trouble in their own hometown. If it was possible to take him along I could see that potentially helping if the main issue is wrong information and assumptions. My Husband Never Wants To Do Anything With Me: 10 Reasons Why Especially when those demands result in diminished opportunities. Its really hard for people to disagree with their buddies in ways harsher than well, I dont know about THAT, but I can see where youre coming from., I can very easily see him going would YOU let your wife go on some so-called business trip with her sleazy coworkers to Vegas?? They are readily available and heavily marketeda sudden whim or fancy could be a reality very quickly. Obviously when I say five hours it would be added time for stopping. Its also an irrational state of fear and I think people forget what that means. Therapy, now, for both of you so that you can discuss this issue, and potentially solo therapy for him to address his issues. If you have time to arrange a therapist, try to meet with several and then pick the one that is the best fit. Overnight somewhere then do the same thing the next day. It probably wont improve the relationship to say this directly to him, but it is definitely something to keep in mind. This sounds less like anxiety and more like controlling/abusive behavior. There are a lot of people on vacation. It will also be a lot easier with a hotel stop overnight; we did not do this, but it still wasn't difficult. Any time I read My spouse wont let me . I want to yank that person out of that relationship. When I first started at my last full-time job, a coworker and I were both sent to Washington DC for a three-day conference to learn our jobs (wed both started around the same time, in a very niche legal field). This is WAAAY different than not having a closed door meeting with a member of the opposite sex, though. If its a crippling anxiety issue, a solo visit to a therapist and their GP for anxiety meds might be more effective. I think (I hope!) You just cant. I do have anxiety and PTSD from my days in the army. I would say that its not necessarily couples counseling that is needed, but that your spouse needs to talk with someone. For example, many people have inherited cultural baggage that makes them scoff at the idea of therapy, which they think is for crazy people. An ex of mine and I were trying to be friends; he told me about a date he went on and I gave him my opinion (that he treated this woman like crap) and he was basically all, Nuh-unh! It could partly explain his reaction. And of course brains being not rational, could be a whole soup of something bad will happen which combines kidnapping, cheating, meeting someone else and Vegas-marrying them despite already being marriedregardless, I think OP should go on the trip. Might I suggest Hotwire? Ask questions like: Why didnt Iget invited? Then listen carefully asheanswers these questions and try not tointerrupt him orjump inwith your own thoughts onthe matter until hes finished explaining his reasoning, even ifitfeels like aneternity. I suppose anxiety could make his control issues more prominent, but to me his behavior is just a glaring red flag. Sure, that could be the problem. When she would call back, he would accuse her of having left the office to sleep with someone else. The only sides are you both addressing a bad frame of reference that your spouse has. You dont ever want to put yourself in a position of relaying solely on his for financial support because you then lose the ability to leave if you need to. One reputation of the city, deliberately played up in media, is that it is a raunchy sin city full of gamboling, sex, and wild parties. My husband was very upset. And opportunities to cheat and people who will spike a strangers drink exist in every city. If I went home today and told my husband, My work is sending me on a business trip to Las Vegas in 3 months, this would be his response: Wow, honey, thats great! Las Vegas hotels have cameras everywhere. They were both married to other people, started an affair that weekend, and eventually left their spouses. Illogical or inappropriate behaviors like this are not always a sign of mental illness and mental illness is not an excuse to be controlling or abusive, EVER. When my spouse was almost sent overseas on a long term work trip, I actually offered to go with him (and pay my own way) not because I was worried hed get up to something without being supervised, but because I travel frequently for work and he almost never does, so it seemed like the easiest way for me to just take care of stuff so that he wasnt stranded in a foreign airport without knowing what to do or how to make a phone call. Unless youre asking permission to uproot your familys life or something it just seems infantilizing. Be very very wary of ever harming your career or earning potential because of the desires of another person. Youve talked about what your husband thinks of the trip, and what you reckon the impact of going and not going would be on your career. Yes, this. If you leave it as a well go eventually and never book it, and also never talk about it, things are gonna get worse. There are opportunities everywhere for illicit behavior, even at home. And dirt cheap which I am guessing is why so many business conferences are set at that location. Here is the problem with appeasing people like OPs husband, whether they are being abusive or just needlessly anxious: they come to expect appeasement. The educational health content on What To Expect is reviewed by our medical review board and team of experts to be up-to-date and in line with the latest evidence-based medical information and accepted health guidelines, including the medically reviewed What to Expect books by Heidi Murkoff. He might be in some kind of internet echo chamber, like one of the misogynist subreddits, and all the guys in there told him Shes totes just going there to have sex with random dudes! because thats the way those corners of the internet are. I also suggest that he seeks out personal therapy. My husband still asks sometimes if hes allowed to go do things, like go to the pub with his friends without me, and it irks me because even though I know hes joking I dont like that he even pretends that I am a stereotypical ball and chain. That doesnt seem fair! I thought I was the problem, and he was kind and honorable and funny and thoughtful. Can we leave this here rather than derailing on it? Just a quick note to say can people please stop calling it abuse and then recommending marriage counselling in the same breath. Very true, which is why I separated the two as control/abuse; theyre not necessarily part of the same package. I mean, the worst thing that happened to me in Vegas was that I came back 10 pounds heavier from all the buffets. I have a friend that refuses to go to Vegas because he believes its the modern Sodom and Gomorrah. Exactly. ;). We have a beach house and are splitting the expenses. All of us can comment all we want about how innocuous this trip is, and how much of an overreaction this is, but it doesnt change the facts from where youre sitting. For example, my wife likes to go for walks, and sometimes takes a scenic route while enjoying herself outside (She loves hiking and exploring in nature). He says its specific to Vegas, but its possible that hed be anxious no matter where OP went. You might want to change, but also can't. If you need to go out and do things, go do those with your friends and family, or even initially-strangers via v. I love my wife and we bought land and a home. Except I divorced mine. It might not end up factoring into your decision when your career and marriage are in the firing line, but its probably useful information for you to have. Its better than it has been at times, but it never quite goes away. Create an account or log in to participate. Im a husband sometimes prone to irrational fears about if my wife is okay. Maybe hes an abusive dick. walk. . And there does seem to be a fair amount of misbehavior discussed, but I have never seen any of it. Then I realized that he was not being irrational he was worried, and it was not a burden for me just to check in once in awhile, especially if I am on unfamiliar dark roads. There are plenty of restaurants and even the pickiest co-workers can settle on a dinner location. They just find more things to get worried about. Same here. Is that an issue as well? My mom has cooled off a bit now that Im almost 40 (!! What if the wife had a job that required lots of travel, but paid well and allowed them to live a good lifestyle. Eating a meal? I love it when my husband goes camping with the guys. I shut that down fast by reminding her I was working an evening shift that ended at 11 PM. Okay. Im all for giving your loved ones the name of the hotel youre staying at and checking in on a nightly basis (Ive done it myself) but if hes being controlling and/or anxious, there may be no amount of information that will be enough to assuage him. Its really way to easy to armchair diagnose, and its not helpful. So thank you for the comments. Clearly it was a biased survey either way, but Im just very curious :P. I can totally see it being true assuming his friends were not also her friends and therefore only ever got his side of the story on anything, so of course they believe him and think shes in the wrong. Thats a very important distinction to make, between thing in and not in the LWs control. I got sent there about a year and a half ago and I was thrilled (and my husband was happy for me). Plan and reminisce together to create shared anticipation beforehand and shared . update: how can I turn down training requests from my clients? Back in the days of Usenet, this was called the lurkers support me in email, which just about sums it up. And in the second place, theres definitely nothing that conflicts with the fact that surveying ones friends is not a great way to navigate ones marriage. On a larger scale, I see a couple of concerning things here. (Note: relationship = 3-4 months of long-distance dating, which I quickly realized was a Bad Idea.) One thing I will mention about Vegas is that yes, like anywhere else, things can happen in regards to safety, but that city is so patrolled. There was no worry about that, my dad trusted her and knew she just needed a little break from being Mom and needed some time being Jane (not her real name) to recharge. She acted like she wasnt married. If we could afford flying we would have. Most business conferences result in 3 days on location you probably wont leave the hotel. Youll be so exhausted from your meetings all youll want to do is get dinner and go to sleep! http://www.thestranger.com/slog/2017/08/09/25333362/savage-love-letter-of-the-day-her-new-boyfriend-canceled-plans-to-see-a-friend-with-cancer. That is your priority as a mother. Nevada decriminalized prostitution at the state level and left it to the counties. Seriously, I grew up in Las Vegas. ), so Ive seen it a lot. The next obvious thing is, we all get to be as irrational as we want. This captures so much of what anxiety sufferers like my wife go through and what spouses like myself have to find a way to work through with their partner. Dont let his fear poison that for you, it wont end well for your happiness or well being. A dancer charged a bunch of stuff on my credit card. (sees where incident happened) Or maybe, you bought 10 bottles of Cristal for strippers and then panicked when your accounting department asked for a receipt? It sounds like theres a lot you two have to work through but if his primary concern is for your personal safety, as other folks have mentioned, Las Vegas is actually pretty safe for a big city. Even if he does have some kind of anxiety disorder, he needs to recognize that this behavior isnt reasonable in a relationship, and marriage counseling is a great way to work out problems in a relationship. Not sure which update youre looking atshe says she meant wouldnt in that sentence, which means exactly what Coffee Lover is saying. I was just coming here to ask if she asked him to Turn his key!. P.S., you forgot to shill The Gift of Fear.. A few weeks after I started a great job, my mother-in-law literally messaged me and my husband to ask if we were able to put food on the table and should she send us money, so I can relate. Yes, they pay for his airfare and, if necessary, the difference in the hotel room rate and they dont spend that much time together, but they spend *some* time together and are at least getting to see each other for some part of the day.). Yes, this. Dont get hit by a car!! But he needs to sit down, fix a drink (I prefer Earl Grey, YMMV), and look at his actions and the state of his marriage. That was one reason I had to STOP watching so much Law N Order / Criminal Minds / CSI / whatever. I care about your son's emotional health, the emotional damage he will suffer, when this emotional abuser of an ex tells his lies about you. I might also take your friends statement a step further, and point out that hes the one making your marriage adversarial. And if I only believed he was in danger because I have anxiety I cant control, this wouldnt help at allin fact, it would probably make the anxiety worse. Ifthis isjust aone-time thing, and heusually shares himself freely with you, then itmay betime for him tolook atwhy hedidnt want you there inthe first place. Theres other stuff to when she was in Vegas last she dressed differently and the way she talked to me. Shes gone twice now and all they do is drink and gamble! It feels as if the OPs husband is just latching onto the location as an excuse. And even if you werent going to your cousins house! I obviously dont TELL people I have these thoughts because it tends to freak people out! Also it can help having an objective outsider there. It comes across as so controlling. Hope you will enjoy the holiday! Note however, I dont think this excuses the employees OR means that its wrong to have a corporate event in Vegas. A Group Owner is a member that has initiated the creation of a group to connect with other members to share their journey through the same pregnancy & baby stages. The views expressed in community are solely the opinions of participants, and do not reflect those of What to Expect. Also made me think about the impact TV can have on our beliefs about the world. And to his credit, he cut it out. Anger can feel like a reward I always feel more assertive and more in control when Im angry than when Im anxious (and theres a lot of overlap between anger and anxiety anyway, thanks to physical arousal and adrenaline). I admit I am one of the omg WHAT commenters. Sure, but then the question would be my boss wants me to go on a business trip but I have a new baby/my spouses parent is seriously ill/my house just flooded and I need to deal with insurance/whatever, how should I ask my boss if I can get out of it. couch their controlling tendencies as worry and concern, because they know their victims will want to soothe and appease them, because they are just super nice worry-wart spouses who just really, truly, are so *concerned*. In my experience, OP, the best thing you can do to convince him counseling is the answer is to focus on YOU when youre talking to him. Exactly this. not roll my eyes and whisper not this again when she does go off on a tangent.. I think some boundaries are needed here. Give yourself permission tofeel hurt and angry. Whether or not you go on the trip is secondary. Huh. Okay, I've been chewing on this for a few weeks. If anything those are probably among the safer places in the country. I went to Vegas for an academic conference once and it was soooo super tame. OP, no idea if my experience is relevant to you or not, but the relationships in which the possibility of me cheating (never in a million years) was raised were the ones in which HE was cheating. It is NOT his choice whether you go! I wanted to get tickets for a show, but it was sold out. We have friend who live in a neighborhood of Paris which Fox news publicized as a no go zone because of all those Muslims and Sharia Law and such. Ding ding ding! Youve gone before and nothing happened, so why is he still freaking out about it? He couldnt leave her in a peace for five minutes on her last business trip, and is questioning the companys motives, all while she is the primary breadwinner? husband doesn t want to go on family vacation She should set a boundary around this type of thing because it gets out of hand. Your husband going on vacation without you is normal. Yes its a confusing sentence but I believe the OP comments elsewhere that she wrote what she meant, the people her husband polled WOULD allow their significant others to go. Go on the business trip, set and hold firm limits with him (i.e., if you want to call him at 9 each night, great, but thats it. The most important part of travelling alone is that your lover is on the same page as you. The duration of the vacation. I have serious issues with anxiety and I read it the same way. and getting an emergency beacon. In most normal partnerships where you have shared responsibilities its not so much asking permission, as its checking in to make sure spouse doesnt need you For anything at that time. I just caught that you were the main provider in your home. Unless, its a SERIOUSLY homogeneous group, whichis possibleunfortunately. it says they WOULD even let their significant others go, not wouldnt! You know you can go to Vegas and have fun and not be kidnapped or drugged. Ive had several week-long business trips in CA the last few years and its a non-event. Its partially a trust issue, and partly the horrible stories some people tell themselves. He thinks it's going to be too difficult. But in that case Anxious Controlling Husband would worry the OP would leave him for a donkey, Nothing like a donkey show joke to class up a comment thread.
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